What if I did, what if I didn’t?

I’ve played it out both ways.

Every outcome ends the same,

Nothing ever really changes.

There’s nothing left to say now,

I’ve rehearsed every excuse.

Even my silence sounds familiar,

Like it’s something I’ve abused.

I keep waiting for a moment

That never shows its face.

Every thought just circles back,

Like it’s scared to leave the past.

Lately I’ve been feeling so vacant,

Like I’m here but out of place.

I can’t help me—if I could, I swear

I would’ve already changed it.

All I see is the past when I open my eyes,

All I see is a world of gray.

No, I’m not okay—

I just need a break right now.

I say I’m fine like it’s a reflex,

Like it doesn’t mean a thing.

I smile just enough to pass for human,

Then I disappear between.

Everything tastes like yesterday,

Nothing hits the way it should.

I’m not numb, I’m just exhausted

From pretending that I’m good.

They tell me time will straighten me out,

Like I haven’t tried to wait.

But time just keeps collecting proof

That I don’t feel the same.

Lately I’ve been feeling so vacant,

Like I lost what made me me.

I can’t help me—if I could, I swear

I would’ve fixed it quietly.

All I see is the past when I open my eyes,

All I see is a world of gray.

No, I’m not okay—

I just need a break right now.

Nothing ever changes,

I’ve memorized the shape of this.

Everybody already knows

That I’m different, I don’t fit.

I don’t know when it happened,

I don’t know where it went,

But something in me faded

And never quite came back again.

I know I’m not the same somehow.

I feel it every time I slow down.

Lately I’ve been feeling so vacant,

Even silence feels too loud.

I can’t help me—if I could, I swear

I wouldn’t still be here right now.

All I see is the past when I open my eyes,

All I see is a world of gray.

No, I’m not okay—

I just need a break right now.

Not forever.

Just long enough to breathe.